Saint Patrick’s Day Humour....

The new young Priest arrived in the village to take up his duties due to the retirement of the old one.   Whilst visiting his various parisioners he discovered to his horror that they were a most superstitious lot.   The tales he heard of fairies, banshees and ghosts convinced him that he would have to preach a sermon at the Sunday Mass.

On the Sunday, he began “During my walk around the village and trying to get to know you all, I was greatly disturbed how superstitious you all are.   I don’t worry too much about the fairies but ghosts.   Tell me, has anyone here ever seen a ghost?” he asked.   Without exception, the entire congregation put up their hands.   “Mother of God” the Priest exclaimed “I can’t believe it”.     “Right then” he continued “Put up your hands if you have ever touched a ghost?”.    About twenty people in the pews put up their hands.   “In the name of the good Lord” he exclaimed “I cannot believe it.  Tell me then” he asked “has anyone in the congregation ever had sexual relations with a ghost?”.    He was happy when no one put up a hand.    Suddenly, he noticed Paddy at the back of the church with his hand in the air.   “Are you seriously telling me that you had sexual relations with a ghost?” he asked.    Paddy scratched his head and said “A ghost Father, sure I thought you said a goat”.

----------------------- 

A Missionary’s Work is Never Done....

The group of Evangelist Missionaries were on a visit to Dublin and during the course of the week they advertised a Faith Healing Meeting.    On the night in question, the hall was packed.    When they called all those seeking relief to come forward, the first was an old woman.   “And what is your problem?” she was asked.    “A touch of the ould rheumatism in me shoulder” she said indicating her right shoulder.   The pastor placed one hand on her shoulder and the other on her head and began to call on God’s blessing.    “In the name of all that is holy”, he wailed “heal this poor woman.    Heal.....heal....heal”.    As he removed his hands, the old woman raised her right arm and waived it above her head.   “Sure all the pain has gone, sure ‘tis a miracle” she cried “sure now, I haven’t been able to do that for years”.    Numerous other people came forward and the same ritual continued.    When Paddy came forward he was asked “And what is your problem my son?”    “’Tis me hearing” he quietly spoke.    The pastor placed one hand on Paddy’s ear and the other on his head.   He began to cry out loud “Heal this man O Lord.   Help him O Lord.    Heal.....heal.....heal”.    He then removed his hands and said “Is that any better my son?”     “Sure I don’t know” replied Paddy “me hearing is not ‘till next Thursday”.

----------------------------

Paddy’s Sick Note…..

Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of me plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
Me body is all black and blue, me face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy's not at work today

While working on the fourteenth floor some bricks I had to clear
Now to throw them down from such a height it was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he bein' an awkward sod
He said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in me hod

Now clearing all these bricks by hand it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in me haste to do the job I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me

So when I untied the rope the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
Well, I shot up like a rocket 'til to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down

Well, the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
While I clung on tight all numb with shock from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below

Now, when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope I sped towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks that were scattered all round

Well, I laid there groaning on the ground I thought I'd passed the worst
When the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst
Well, a shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn't got a hope
As I lay moaning on the ground, I let go the bloody rope

The barrel then being heavier it started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
Well it broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say
That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.

----------------------------------

.