Today is cloudy and rainy. And as I sit here typing out my thoughts I can only feel the same within my heart. It has been 13 weeks since Jenny passed and at times I feel as though it just happened. I thought I was doing so well with losing Jenny and getting on with my life. But these past 2 weeks have been a living hell for me.

I cry so much 24/7 and at times I feel that there is no possible way I have any more tears to shed. I keep seeing the picture in my head of her being so swollen and not understanding what is really happening to her. When I would tell her that I was going out so someone else could come in to see her she would just clench my hand like a scared child. 

I bet I told Jenny a hundred times during those 45 hours and 40 mins. that I loved her. And each time she would nod her head yes. But when I had to leave to go to the big hospital that they were air lifting her to I told her that I loved her and she held up her hand and gave me the I love you sign. That was the last time she was able to really communicate.

She had become so swollen that she could no longer even open her eyes. But at least she could nod her head on occasions to respond to a question. But within 6 hours she was in a coma and could no longer respond at all. But that never stopped me from talking to her and telling her how much I loved her. 

I miss her so much, especially her beautiful smile and laugh. No matter how sick she was she always had a smile for everyone. She was my life for these past 2 years and I just do not know how to fill this large void in my heart so I can truly get on with my life. 

My heart is broken in a million pieces and I want to put it all back together, but I just don't know where to start at this point. I do not wish Jenny back as she has gone through so much suffering these past 2 years. She was the strongest and most determined young woman I have ever met. I was so very proud of how she handled all that she had to go through. I was always so proud of her for all that she had accomplished in her life. 

I have gone to the doctor and he has put me on some medicine to help with my depression. Jenny was alot like me, because she could hide how sad and hurt she felt inside. She would always smile to everyone, but with me she always showed and shared her true feelings. So today I am sharing my true feelings to you because I have the need to at this time. 

The doctor has put on 2 different kinds of medicines and they take about 1-3 months to really get built up in my system. So for right now I am a emotional wreck. I stay in my room most of the time and I sleep alot. I don't feel like even doing anything or being around people at this point and time. 

As the tears continue to run down my cheeks I will try harder through each tear to become a strong and determined woman like my Jenny was. I have to go on for my grandbabies and my 2 children. I hate the sound of saying 2 children, because for 32 years it was 3 children. But I need to be thankful that I do have my 2 children and my 4 grandbabies. 

I thank you all for the encouragement you send me. Without all my friends at IA I honestly do not know what I would do. Besides my children and grandchildren and some family I have no one else to lean on. And right now my 2 children, Christina and Billy, are grieving for their sister and cannot stand to see me like this. My husband is a good man but has no clue as to what I am going through, and all he ever says is that,"He doesn't know what to say". So believe me when I say, " Your words of encouragement mean so very much to me". 

And a special thank you to my very dear friends at IA. May God bless you all!! I love you all dearly and you will be forever in my heart.