New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment . . . . a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat

It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody

I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.

I have never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it worse.

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.

I was court-martial in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.