A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you
a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator
will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove
my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy
me a beer." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The
gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a
beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The
crowd cheered and the first of his free beers was delivered. The man stood up
again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give
it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up on the
back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to
promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A man walks into a bar with his monkey. He orders a beer and sits to drink
it. While he is sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control. It jumps up on
the pool table and eats the pool ball. The bartender runs up to the man and says
"Did you just see what your stupid monkey just did?" "No, what
did that stupid monkey do this time?" "He just ate the cue
ball!!" "I hope it kills him" says the man. About two weeks
later, the man comes back to the bar with his monkey. While he is drinking at
the bar, his monkey is again out of control. The monkey finds a grape at the
bar, picks it up, sticks it up his ass, and eats it. The bartender, having seen
this, asks the man: "Did you just see what your sick monkey just did?"
Man: "No" Bartender: "He just stuck a grape up his ass and ate
it." Man: "What do you expect, he measures everything first, after
that pool ball."
A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an
emu, the other a cat.
He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The
bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking.
A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another
round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured another round and
moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his head away and ignored the
bartender, so the man reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the
After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink.
This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the emu placed
the money on the bar and the three continued drinking.
This continued all night, each time it came to the cat, the cat continued to
turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required. Finally, with
the man in tears, crying harder each time it was the cat's turn, the bartender,
unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked the man what the situation was
- he'd been in the bar all night drinking with an emu and a cat, and each time
it was the
cat's turn, it turned away, yet the emu paid up with no problems.
"Well", says the man "I found this lamp washed up on the beach,
as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I thought
long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man
with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."