A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man
with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
A guy walks into a bar, its almost empty except
for one lady down at the end, the bartender asks him what he wants,
he says "a beer - and give the douche bag down at the end of the
bar a drink." Well, the bartender is indignant, and tells the guy
that this is not that kind of bar, and to be civil. And the customer,
shrugs, and says again, "Give me a beer and the douche bag at the
end of the bar a drink." Well, the bartender stifles his anger,
and goes down to the end of the bar and tells the lady, "This JERK
down there wants to buy you a drink, what'll you have?" She says
"Vinegar and water please."
A man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a lager.
The barman says, "Lager’s off just now, we’re waiting on the barrels
The man says, "OK then, I'll have a rum and coke."
After drinking his rum and coke, he goes back to the bar and asks
again for a lager.
Once again the barman says that they don’t have any, so the man
orders a screwdriver.
He drinks his screwdriver. He then goes back and asks yet again
for a lager. The barman says "Look, if you take the rum out of a
rum and coke, what do you have?"
The man replies, "Coke."
"If you take the vodka out of a screwdriver, what do you have?"
The man replies, "Orange juice."
"Now, if you take the flame out of lager, what do you have?"
The man looks puzzled, "There is no flame in lager."
The barman replies, "That’s what I've been trying to tell you!"
So this guy walks into a bar, and as he makes his
way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As
he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave
and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is
empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to
the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $500 that I can
pee into a shot glass from 30 feet away, and not get any outside
the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but
he wants his $500, so he agrees. They get out a shot glass, the
bartender paces off 30 feet, and the contest begins. The man pees
all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he
finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you
owe me $500, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those
people outside the window $200 apiece that I could come in here
and pee all over the bar."
A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He
looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks
over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing
the tune of Dixie-Girl. The man thought that this was strange so
he goes over to the bartender and asks where the man came from.
"Here," says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, "rub this."
So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.
"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.
"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.
"Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into
The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million
bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the
bar. Astounded the man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
"Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replied the bartender.
A man walks into a bar. A second man walks into a bar. The third
one ducks.A man rushes into a bar, orders the four most expensive
30-year-old single malts in the house and has the barman line them
up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each
"Whew," the barman remarks, "You seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have," the man replies.
"Why, what do you have?", the barman asks sympathetically.