And Here’s What He Said . . .

By Cormac MacConnell

Ye knew already that we have bred a tiger over here, our very own, and we are very proud of him. We have been singing his praises all over the world for about a decade now. They even know in Outer Mongolia about our Celtic Tiger.

But did ye know that we also have about five million zebras as well? Well, we have. 

We don’t talk about them as loudly as we do about the other striped arrival but, yes, they’re here all right. There is even the possibility, come to think of it, that they came to us from as far away as Outer Mongolia! They’re here anyway. I kid you not.

The thing is that our zebras are of the marine variety. They are spreading up through the Shannon far faster than the Viking longships did long ago, and they are causing about as much mayhem. That’s why we don’t talk about them so much. 

I’m mentioning them now because there is a conference starting later this week at which the existence of our zebras is likely to be highlighted for the whole world. But you heard it first from me in the Irish Voice.

They are mussels. They are recent arrivals in our waters. They have become a major nuisance through the Shannon system. They breed faster than rabbits and they now number millions. 

They are striped exactly like a zebra, and there is clear evidence that they arrived here in the ballast waters of some freighter — perhaps from Outer Mongolia or somewhere equally foreign — and were ejected into our gulfstream somewhere offshore. So they headed for the mouth of the Shannon, liked it a lot, and have come to stay.

Our zebras can do a barnacle job on the bottom of a yacht or cruiser in about a week. That’s what I’m told. You go out for a cruise or a sail and discover that you are listing to starboard with the combined weight of all the passengers happily traveling for free on your hull.

And they love the new lock gates. They are forming great colonies on the lock gates. That means that the lock gates, eventually, are unable to properly open or close. That causes problems for navigators going both up and down. 

Since the Shannon system is now connected to the North, all the way to Belfast, by the Ballyconnell Canal and a whole series of smartcarded locks, our zebras are rapidly heading towards the border. There are reports that they will change their black and white stripes to green and orange once they reach the other jurisdiction. That will be next spring. I will report on the matter.

There is worse news. You will hear it from the conference on the matter on the subject of the invasion of Irish waters by foreign species, but there is indeed much worse. I have to be the one to tell ye first. 

The Zebras have attracted to our coastal waters a range of even more unwelcome visitors from formerly warmer waters. The worst of these is the Trigger Fish.

I am almost afraid to write about him. He’s a fearful boyo altogether. He is aggressive, intelligent, has a set of teeth in him which are fused together like the fangs of rats, and has absolutely no hesitation in attacking humans.

He came after the zebras. He discovered the far sweeter Irish crabs and lobsters. He’s playing puck with the lobster pots with jaws which, and I quote an expert, “can cut through crabs, lobsters...even coral.” 

He travels in gangs, does the Trigger Fish, and he has attacked divers and fish farmers. He looks them straight in the eye with both of his eyes and then attacks them, especially if they disturb him when he’s breeding more little Trigger Fish. 

He’s strong enough to kill big ray fish as wide across as three feet. He is rapidly becoming the jaws of the Western World. There are fish farmers who are now afraid to put their hands underwater.

There are divers who have been bitten in the face! There are other divers who have seen our friend disable prey by biting out their eyes. 

The Trigger Fish is not being fished commercially so he has no predators to worry about. He has been in our waters since last May. 

There are hopes that he will go away in October, when the waters chill, but for sure, having tasted Irish lobster and crab, he’ll be back, like the boll weevil, with the whole family next May! I kid you not.

He’s not alone. There are whole range of other marine invaders arriving with us because of global warming. There is some kind of foul worm called a Tubeworm building a colony off the Clare coastline even as I write. 

There is some kind of Indian seaweed which is spreading like wildfire, choking the potentially valuable iodine-rich native seaweeds in the process. There are other dark shapes in our lukewarming depths which I’m truly afraid to even mention. They will be dealt with at the experts’ conference. 

If I’m strong enough afterwards I will brief ye. In the meantime, even if the weather improves sharply, there is no way I’m going paddling in the sea anytime soon!