By John Spain

WHEN it comes to golf, I’m in the Mark Twain school (Twain famously defined golf as “a good walk spoiled”). But I have to admit to watching it on TV, and I even play it now and then with my 13-year-old son who always beats me.

Like the rest of the country I’ll probably be glued to the box later this week when the Ryder Cup tees off here.

For those of you who know as little as I do about the game, the Ryder Cup (in which a team representing America takes on a team representing Europe) is the biggest event in the world of golf. This is the first time the competition has come to Ireland, and the excitement is at fever pitch.

Years of preparatory work on a scale similar to that which preceded the Papal visit is now reaching a climax. Tiger is coming to the Celtic Tiger.

And the rich and famous coming to watch him and the other stars play, include two former U.S. presidents (Carter and Bush senior), Bill Gates, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, and many more. Two continents are going to war with a small white ball and the honor and glory of half the world is at stake. Who said anything about pressure?

Estimates of the number of people across the globe who will tune into the TV coverage vary between half a billion and a billion viewers over the three days. For that reason it is worth a fortune to the host country in international publicity, quite apart from the millions it will generate from the golf fans who will be here to see the event in person. Is it any wonder Irish eyes are smiling?

There’s no question of me getting a ticket, of course, even if I wanted one. To do that you need to be either seriously rich or seriously well connected, or both.

Even tickets for the practice days are making *60 euro each. Tickets for the three days of the competition itself (Friday to Sunday) are six or eight times that and they have all been sold months ago.

In the personal columns on the back page of The Irish Times last week, packages were being sold that included tickets, hotel accommodation, transfers (coach, limo or helicopter), complimentary champagne and so on. Depending on what level you picked, they ranged from around *2,000 to well over *5,000.

The competition is taking place at the K Club, a very upmarket country club/golf club in Co. Kildare, half an hour from Dublin. The course is relatively new, created around a grand country house (now a hotel) by the Irish industrialist Michael Smurfit.

It’s a breathtaking location, in the rich, rolling Kildare countryside better known for its horses. It’s also the most expensive golf club in the country — the gold membership costs *295,000 (you probably get champagne in your Jacuzzi).

If you’re economizing this year you can get the regular membership for a trifling *80,000 entry fee plus an annual subscription of *6,950.

In spite of its grand scale and sumptuous surroundings, some people here have been complaining that although the K Club is the most expensive golf club in the country it is not the most spectacularly beautiful — that accolade would probably go to a links (seaside) course, like Portmarnock, Lahinch, Bundoran or Royal County Down.

But money talks. The fact is that the Ryder Cup would never have come to Ireland without the driving force of Smurfit behind it (he has spent millions sponsoring European golf in recent years to make it happen), and the K Club is his creation.

The national tourist board, Failte Ireland, has estimated that the Ryder Cup will be worth around *130 million to the economy here. To capitalize on the Ryder Cup visit, a swish new ad campaign is being run to promote Ireland as a golf destination, and you may have seen these ads on American TV already.

The campaign is worth *10 million and is aimed at attracting golfing tourists from Britain, Europe and the U.S. During the Ryder Cup coverage, viewers will be bombarded with TV commercials every hour showcasing the best of the country’s 400 courses. Major broadcasters in the US — CBS, NBC and the Golf Channel — have also signed up to show lifestyle programs filmed on location here.

In 2004, the last year for which we have figures, around 138,000 visiting golfers came here on golfing holidays to stay and play. It would be a reasonable assumption that the huge international publicity generated by the Ryder Cup will increase that dramatically.

Golf is now a huge sport in Ireland, and sometimes it feels like the whole country is being converted into courses. In the greater Dublin area is it impossible to get into the existing clubs because of the demand.

And, of course, there is a degree of snobbery among existing members of the old clubs anxious to preserve their exclusivity and keep out the wrong kind of people. So even if you have the money you can still get blackballed.

If you get through the vetting, the famous Portmarnock links course on the north side of Dublin is *20,000 for men to join and another *1,446 annually (they don’t let women join at all!) The stunning Powerscourt Golf Club in Co. Wicklow has a joining fee of *55,000 (plus an annual *2,500), but you will have to wait because they’re closed to new members at the moment.

Prestigious Carton House in Co. Kildare charges *40,000 euro to join (plus *2,500 a year), and the Old Head of Kinsale in Co. Cork is marginally cheaper at *39,000 to join (plus *1,950 a year ) .

This gives you some idea of what the best clubs, both old and new, are charging here. One other development, especially with the new clubs like Carton, is that membership is tradable, although in many cases you have to sell membership back to the club at current value rather than on the open market.

Some of the young Celtic Tiger cubs who are anxious to get into the right clubs take out personal loans from the banks, a kind of golf club mortgage. But it is still possible to play in Ireland for very little money, even if you’re not a member of any club.

Myself and my 13-year-old Tiger play on the Deer Park course on Howth Head, a public course with spectacular views over the north Dublin coastline. It costs about *12 a round each.

This is the bottom end of the market, but even in the private clubs it is still possible to play a round for an amount that won’t require a loan. In fact 85% of golf courses around the country cost under *50, and only 5% of Irish golfers play on courses that charge *100 or more for non-members to play a round.

You can pay much more, of course. The normal cost to play a round at the K Club is *350 — and as a non-member you probably won’t get on at the weekend. Other top courses (like Mount Juliet or Dromoland) charge around *250 a round, with similar restrictions on playing times.

But as I said, the majority of clubs charge well below *50 a round, and there is a view here that Failte Ireland should be promoting this instead of spending millions promoting the very expensive clubs.

It’s a fair point. Even so, it would be a mistake to criticize. The prestigious courses may be expensive, but they are often in breathtaking locations which look amazing on TV. So they get the national message across.

If you’re coming to Ireland to play golf — and you have lots of money — the new way to go is on the latest week-long packages for small groups of wealthy individuals. You are picked up from the flight at Shannon by helicopter which then flies you around the country to some of the best courses, where you stay in the luxury hotels attached.

You might start off in Ballybunion for local flavor, then hop over to Kinsale’s Old Head for heart-stopping scenery, then pop up to Mount Juliet for pampering before winging over to the K Club and maybe finishing off in Dromoland on the way back.

It’s luxury all the way, with an added bonus being the spectacular views of Ireland you get from the helicopter as you whizz across the country. It’s a great way to play the best courses, eat the best food and stay in absolute luxury, plus you get an unmatched view of the Irish landscape.

So who’s going to take the Ryder Cup at the end of this week? The Europeans probably have a very good chance this time, even though the course at the K Club suits the Americans much more than a links course here would have, another reason some people here were critical of the choice.

Don’t expect too much from the Irish guys. Paul McGinley is not in form, Darren Clarke is not putting well and has the added burden of the recent loss of his wife to cancer, and Padraig Harrington did well in Madrid last week but then faded.

But you never know, and the whole country will be cheering them on which will make a big difference. Fore!